So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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