Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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