im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I am one with the molecules
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
