apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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