okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
