Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
