If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
