Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize