Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The adults are the big ones right?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
