Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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