Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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