i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
