i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
