I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
