i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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