just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
