i jhust puked up my retainher.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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