Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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