I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
