hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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