WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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