Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
