I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's blow job season.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
