The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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