Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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