Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
