TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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