and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
How's work?
Spinning.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
