the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize