Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
