kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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