My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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