if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
