We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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