I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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