My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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