Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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