I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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