I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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