rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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