i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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