She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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