I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
