Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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