I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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