I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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