my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
