This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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