wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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