Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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