You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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