I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Holy sore nipples Batman
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
