If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize