Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
