Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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