We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
everyone is single if you try hard enough
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
