having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
