So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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