Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
this hospital has no fireball
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
