i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
