Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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